She gets up clutching the collar of her blouse.  Her companions look at her, questioning.  She waves them off and makes her way to the ladies room.  She can’t catch her breath.  She grabs her throat hoping to dislodge the piece of chicken caught in it.  She tries slamming herself against the wall.  Nothing.  She grabs the sink, sliding slowly to the floor, her mouth trying desperately to pull air into her lungs.  She dies quietly and alone.

In a class on group dynamics that I recently taught, we were discussing how powerful group pressure is in keeping members from speaking up.  During the discussion, a female firefighter told the group that it was common to get called to restaurants for choking incidents.  It was shocking to her how often the firefighters would come to find women who had died alone and silently in the ladies washroom.  When she told this story to the group, you could hear a pin drop in the room.  We were stunned.

This image stayed with me for weeks.  Women dying rather than causing discomfort for others. Women wanting to avoid causing a fuss. Not wanting to be a bother. Wanting to take care of things themselves.

My heart bleeds for them.  I desperately want them to have a voice – to speak up and say want they need.

Even though we think we have made strides in gender equality – we still have a long way to go.

I don’t know about you but when I get angry I sometimes get swamped with the emotions and the physiological response going on in my body.  My heart races, my face and neck flush, thoughts fly around in my head.  I bet you know what I’m talking about.

When that anger response happens, we know we’re upset.  We know something is off-balance.  We feel the urge to take care of it in some manner.  But, many of us have learned to either stuff it, deny it, talk ourselves out of it or just plain lash out.  In the face of those options, we often do nothing.  We fear hurting the other person or being hurt ourselves.

Anger is giving us the message that a relationship or situation needs to get rebalanced so doing nothing is, usually, not a good strategy. I say, usually, because there are exceptions. If there is a real chance that I can get physically hurt, then perhaps saying nothing is a good strategy, for now.  Later, I can plan what I want to do next when the time is right.

It is often helpful to take time to get clear on how we wish to speak up in a situation, be it at the office or at home.  Here are some strategies that I have found to be useful:

1/ write it down – journaling or writing a letter, which you may or may not decide to send, can clarify things for you. It also stops you from playing angry thoughts over and over in your mind plotting what you want to say.  Once it’s down on paper – you know you have captured it and don’t need to keep replaying it.  Hours can be spent on ruminating.  Get it out of your head and onto paper or onto your computer screen.

2/go for a walk – walking allows your physical reaction to subside.  When your mind is calmer, you can think more clearly and then make decisions.  If you prefer some other physical activity such as swimming, running, or bicycling – they can work as well.

3/ talk to a coach – talking to a trusted coach or friend can be useful.  The coach/friend can assist you to see where the imbalance in the relationship or situation is and can help you to decide on a constructive plan of action.

Whatever the strategy chosen – remember that anger can be a potent force that can fuel the desire to speak up to rebalance a situation. It helps us gain our self-respect and gives us the chance of having reciprocity in our interactions with others.  It’s the gift of anger!

Alright, so maybe not appreciate it but as I understand it better, I get the importance of it and I get the gift in it.  Yes, anger bestows a gift.

I just finished a wonderful article by Joanne Ellison Rodgers called “Go Forth in Anger”.  It’s found in the April 2014 edition of Psychology Today. In the article Rodgers talks about researchers discovering that anger is a form of social communication.  In other words, we need it to build strong connections with each other. Anger is important because without it we are unlikely to be clear on who we are in relation to others.

While fear, sadness, and anxiety prompt avoidance behaviours, anger fuels us to take on challenges.  Anger, like love, lust, anxiety, sadness and fear, is built in.  We are born hardwired for those emotions.  Nature provided them for survival and growth.

The Purpose of Anger

We are wired to get angry when others insult or exploit us.  Anger gets aroused when, in our estimation, the other person is getting too much and we are getting too little.  When our anger encourages us to speak up and set boundaries, it alerts the other person that there’s an expectation of an increase in valuing and caring for us.  Anger tells us that we feel someone isn’t valuing us enough in relation to how they are valuing themselves.  In effect, anger helps to re-establish the balance.

Let’s say you and I go out for dinner on several occasions and each time you leave me to take care of the bill. Such behaviour will arouse my anger because it’s an indication of lack of respect for my worth.  By standing up for reciprocal cost sharing, I am standing up for myself.  My anger encourages me to set a boundary with you which can then encourage a cooperative and respectful relationship.

Yes, anger is a potent force not to be ignored or denied but used to fuel our self-respect and to gain us reciprocity in our interactions with others.  There is a gift to be had there!